Rough

This week has been mentally rough.  Rough, rough, rough!  As far as food is concerned, anyway.  Ugh.  The battle against my eating disorder monster continues, and he has won a few significant battles over the past couple of days.  Even though I'm really, really frustrated, I have hope.  Hope that I can return to that place of kindness that felt so amazingly good.  If it happened once, it can happen again.  So I'll keep asking, "How can I be kind to myself right now?"  And I'll try to actually DO what my body tells me to do.

One of the only times that I feel real, powerful joy lately is when I run.  It comes as a visceral, pleasant jolt that usually makes me feel like crying.  I'm so grateful that I can run!  I've only run twice this week, so far, but both runs were good, tough workouts, and just what I needed.

On Wednesday, I ran 8 miles, including speed work.  Running each interval at an 8:00/mile pace, I ran:

1.5 mile warm-up
400 m with 200 m easy jog
800 m with 400 m easy jog
1600 m with 800 m easy jog
2 x 800 m with 400 easy jog after each one
Ran until I hit 8 miles total

Me 'n my treadmill (the one trying to hug my neck) 

One of my favorite things about running is how easy it is to measure your progress.  It's tangible and measurable (unlike mothering!), whether you're talking about speed, or endurance, or both.  A month ago, the above workout would've been almost impossible, but because I've been diligent about doing my speed work, I never doubted that I could do it, and I can tell that I'm getting faster!

Leaving the gym after my Wednesday workout

This morning, I ran 6 miles on the treadmill at the gym.  I felt terrible because I binged on ice cream last night, but I needed a hard workout to remind me of who I really am.  Of what makes me happy.  And it's usually not ice cream.

After a 1 mile warm-up, I ran 2.2 miles at an 8:41 pace.  It was really hard!  I think it would've felt a lot better, and easier, if I hadn't binged the night before, but I'm proud of myself for pushing it.  It felt purifying.  I don't mean to say that I think running should be a turned into a penance for food mistakes (as that could take the joy out of it), but it makes me feel more capable, more powerful, more me.  It strips away a lot of the negative energy that my brain loves to produce.  After the 2.2 miles, I ran at a slow, easy pace for awhile, and then gradually sped back up to a 9:00 mile pace, but most of it was slower than that.

Post-run selfie...it was a sparsely populated room this morning!  

Side note: the above picture makes me so very happy.  I hate and loathe my short hair.  I desperately wish I hadn't cut it!  I miss my long hair!  So, being able to put my hair into a ponytail makes me so happy!  Proof that it's growing out!  Note all the exclamation points...this is a big deal!  :)

Second side note: I saw a Justin Bieber music video today that I really liked.  I even like the song.  To say I am ashamed is an understatement...but seriously, check out the cool video.

Another video that makes me incredibly happy is this one of a new Justin Timberlake song.  I don't know how you could watch it and not feel happier.  Plus, he is one cool dude.

A couple of days ago, my trusty Nike sports bra had to head to that big lingerie store in the sky.  I could NOT get the stink out of it.  'Twas super gross.  I ordered two new ones (Nike -- they're the best sports bras I've ever had!), and Tess thinks they are amazing!  I told her that they help me run, so she had me put one on her, and then proceeded to run up and down the hallway many times.

Speaking of Tess, her love affair with her bucket and shovel is still going strong.  Sand, wood chips, rocks, it doesn't matter.  It all goes in her bucket.  And then is dumped out.  And then goes in again.  Repeat.  I love my hard-workin' girl.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!  Thanks for reading!

Recently

 On Friday, I went shopping with my good friends, Tina and Kayleen.  Tess adores both of them.  Tess also has to try out EVERY couch, chair, loveseat, etc. whenever she sees one.  She approved of this one:

While shopping, I bought this pail and shovel for Tess.  She spent a long time filling it with wood chips on Friday afternoon.  Then dumping them out on the slide.  Then filling it up again.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  :)

On Saturday morning, I ran 12 miles with my running buddies.  I took this picture right before they met me at my house.  I love how light it is at 6 a.m. now!  

On Saturday, we spent the afternoon at my parents' house.  Since I no longer have cable, I needed to steal theirs in order to watch the Preakness.  Since American Pharoah won the Triple Crown last year (YAY!!!), I no longer feel like I always have to cheer for the Kentucky Derby winner to win the Preakness.  So, I rooted for Exaggerator because I love the story of the Desormeaux brothers, and he won!  I love horse racing...

While at my parents' house, Tess decided that Mommy and Daddy can only snuggle if she's crawling all over us.  I sustained several injuries from her pointy elbows, knobby knees, and big, hard head.  

"Do I need a new diaper, guys?"

Time for Superman!  

On Sunday morning, as we left to go to church, the girls started playing "Follow the Leader" in the driveway.  It was rather cute...

Sometimes it's so hard to believe that I gave birth to these three beautiful creatures...

Yesterday morning, I went to Body Pump, and then spent 30 minutes on the Stepmill.  I was a shaky, sweaty mess at the end...it felt great!  This is a rather poor pic of the stepmills I walk on...

So sweaty it looks like I showered...hot mama.  Ow, ow, owwww (my attempt at writing out a catcall).

Tess loves "helping" me make my morning smoothie.  She especially loves turning the blender on.  

Yesterday morning, Tess and I took a walk to the lake by our house.  Tess calls it "bee wada", or "big water".  

She can spend a very long time throwing rocks and sticks in the water.  I always have to carry her away from the lake, because she'll never leave of her own accord.  

Until next time!  :)

The Best Song in the World

Time for a music lesson!  It's time I enlightened all of you as to what song is the best song in the world.  Because there is one.  It's a Tom Petty original called "I Won't Back Down".  If I were going to get a tattoo, it would be this song title.  Instead, I wear it on a bracelet that I never take off:  

I've adopted this song as my personal anthem.  My mantra.  When I was in high school, I used to listen to it before my races (on a big, clunky tape player - I'm old).  I've listened to it hundreds of times and I never get sick of it.  It always makes me feel better.  And I've needed that the last three days.  I turned a corner with my eating issues (Epiphany), and all my demons retaliated with a vengeance.  I could hardly remember what kindness was supposed to feel like, even though I'd been feeling it in abundance for the previous nine days.  I was back to obsessing about wanting to eat treats, but also feeling terror about the size of my stomach.  I just wanted to eat and eat and numb myself, to avoid all the bad feelings and thoughts that had come back.  Luckily, I was expecting this.  Not that that makes it easy to deal with, but I knew that I couldn't possibly overcome almost a lifetime of cruelty to myself, and the accompanying eating habits, in only a few days.  

Lillie has taught me to think of my mental illnesses as external monsters that plague me.  She wanted me to realize that my mental illnesses are not a part of who I am, just like diabetes wouldn't be considered a product of my personality.  It has helped me to get mad at the monsters, rather than myself.  I can rage on them for all they've taken from me, instead of feeling guilt for not being able to overcome what I perceived as personal weaknesses.  Lillie told me that when you try to change the way you live and deal with your monsters, it pisses them off.  They don't want you messing with the status quo.  They've gotten comfortable, and are happy with the cozy little home they've created in your life.  And I know that my epiphany about kindness to myself, and my resulting actions, made them really mad.  They wanted me to go back to how I'd been thinking about my body, food, and myself.  To leave them alone.  To speak my native language.  

Well, too bad, you bastards.  I won't back down.  I loved how I felt when I was being kind to myself, and now I know that it's possible for me to live that way.  I know that I can regain that feeling.  I just have to hang on, and remember that it will get better.  I know it will.  No matter how bad it gets.  

On a side note, I blame my parents for my excellent taste in music.  Music has always been, and still is, a huge part of their lives.  Both accomplished musicians themselves, they made sure I was exposed to the best music: Tom Petty, Bob Dylan (it took me awhile to appreciate good 'ol Bob, though), Cat Stevens, John Hiatt, Tom Cochrane, Jackson Browne, and many, many others.  

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Last night, I ran on the treadmill at the gym while Maia was in her swimming lesson.  It was another tough speedwork session, but I kicked its bum!  I find it's easier for me to run faster in the afternoon and evenings.  Too bad pretty much all races are in the morning!  

My workout:

1 mile warm-up

400 m at 8:00/mile pace

5 x 800 m at 8:00/mile pace

400 m at 7:47/mile pace

Ran easy until I hit 7 miles total

Once again, I was a sweaty, sweaty beast.  About half-way through my workout, a guy got on the treadmill next to mine, which felt weird because there were at least five other treadmills he could've gotten on that weren't right next to me.  I worried for a second about being stinky, but then decided that would be a just punishment for his treadmill choice.  I realized a little while later that he probably chose that treadmill because I was on the one right in front of the TV showing the Mariners game, and he was trying to watch it.  :)  

Post-run...more attractive drops of sweat on the poor, sullied treadmill.  

Post-run selfie with Maia and our cute friend, Mackenzie.  She's in Maia's swimming class, and we go to church with her and her family.  That lady in the background is just jealous...  :)

Thanks for reading!

Monday Musings

On Saturday morning, I ran 11 miles.  I never run with my phone, so I don't have any pictures to share, but just imagine this: 

Picture the most beautiful woman you've ever seen.  She runs with a smooth, fluid motion.  She wears a practical but trendy running outfit that looks like it was made for her.  She moves quickly and lightly across the pavement, almost floating.  Nothing jiggles that shouldn't be jiggling.  The falling rain only enhances her beauty, like tiny diamonds catching themselves on her flowing hair and dewy skin.  She breathes quietly and evenly, and her breath smells like Andes mints and happiness.  

I looked nothing like this woman while I was running.  I chafed in few unmentionable places, and my farmer's tan was on full display.  I also made the mistake of running with four beautiful women.  At the end of our runs together, they always look just slightly sweaty, with a healthy flush to their skin.  I look like I ran into a wind machine.  In 100-degree weather.  

But I love running with Gina, Christine, Danika, and Michelle.  They've welcomed me into their running circle with open arms.  They are all smart, kind, funny, speedy women, and I feel lucky to be their friend.  Long runs are so much more pleasant when I get to run with them.  We talk constantly (although, I am told to hush on the hills - haha), and the miles fly by.  

All our muddy feet after the Hillbilly Half Marathon, March 2016.

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Saturday afternoon, we took our three blonde beauties to the Hands On Children's Museum.  All three of our babes adore that place!  We bought a family membership, so I anticipate many hours spent there over the next year.  

Maddie in the museum's Animal Rescue Center.

Arts and crafts!

Tess, naturally, loved "driving" all the museum's different cars.

Tess gettin' her creative on.  

Maddie's favorite part of the museum is the restaurant.

Customizing the water table...

Maia realized that she's a bit too big for the slide...

Tess tried to promote animal harmony by putting the wolf in the Owl Hutch.  Dinner is served!

And one cute pic from Sunday:

This darling beast cannot sit still at church to save her life.  Lucky for her, we are easily charmed by her abundant cuteness.  

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This morning, I went to Body Pump, and then did 15 minutes on the Stepmill.  I normally do 30 minutes, but I had to be home in time for Tyler to go to his first day of work at his new job.  I've had to fight a few demons ever since.  The demons that tell me that I need to work out again today, in order to make up for those "lost" 15 minutes.  That I'm a wimp.  But I already exercised for 75 minutes, and I know that I've done enough.  I'll keep talking back to my demons.  They hate that.  

About to begin 60 minutes of Body Pump.  My arms were shaking by the end!   

Onto the Stepmill, and looking a little doofy.  

The Stepmills at my gym are rather fancy.  Today, I watched country music videos while I exercised.  I'm especially grateful for the built-in fan.  

Tyler is at his new job right now.  I hope he's having a good day!  I miss having him home all the time, but I guess a steady paycheck is more important.  I sent him off to work with two plates of homemade chocolate marshmallow cookies.  Tyler planned on passing them out with the message: "There'll be plenty more where these came from...if you keep paying me."  :) 

Thanks for reading!

Native Language

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist (who will hereafter be referred to as Lillie, as that is her name) about what happens after you learn to speak a new "language".  Specifically, as I embrace being kind to myself, and speaking to myself in a completely different way.  She explained it with this metaphor:

Suppose you, an English speaker, moved to France and began to learn French.  With diligent hard work, eventually, you would become fluent in French.  Perhaps you'd even catch yourself dreaming and thinking in French.  But you'd find that when you were especially stressed, tired, or unhappy, you'd most likely revert back to English.  Your native language.  

So when I forget that being kind to myself doesn't mean looking for answers at the bottom of a pint of Haagen Dazs, it's not that I'm a failure.  It means that I reverted back to my native language: trying to comfort myself by eating too much.  It is the language that I have spoken for as long as I can remember.  

I think this is a beautiful way to re-frame what I would normally take to be proof that I will never be able to change.  Proof that I am a hopeless failure.  Proof that there is something inherently wrong with me.  

Lillie also said that generally, as you speak your new language, reverting back to your native one can happen less and less frequently.  Progress is always possible.  

On a side note, local friends, Lillie (McCatty is her last name) is amazing.  She is astoundingly gifted as a therapist.  She specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents, but I think she handles adults rather well, too.  Or else I'm simply as mature as a teenager.  Either way, she's helping me so much.  :)  

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  Yesterday, we went out to lunch with my parents to celebrate Tyler landing a new job.  We went to Mercato, across the street from the Olympia Farmer's Market.  It was so delicious!  Definitely one of my favorite Oly restaurants.  We sat outside in the glorious sun and enjoyed not worrying about financial security.  As Tyler said, "The world is so much more beautiful when you have a job."  :)

Darling Tess 

She's a hard drinker, this one...

I took Olly on a long walk yesterday with my good friend, Tina, too.  Her dog, Chevy, and Olly are best buds.  I forgot to snap a pic of them together, but I'll get one soon.  They love walking together, and playing together in our backyard.  A true doggy bromance. 

Olly and a bit of the gorgeous scenery in my neighborhood

Tyler and Tess were very productive yesterday.  They went and got a bunch of nourishing dirt for our front and back yards (our grass looks so thin and sad!), and then spread it out all over the lawn.  Tyler also bought a bunch of grass seed to add to the mix.  Tess was thrilled to help him spread the seeds:

  

She loves to be a "helper"!

Thanks for reading!  

8 miles

I did it!  Yesterday, I ran 8 miles on the treadmill, including some very difficult intervals.  I was dreading this workout, worried that it would be too hard for me, so I was seriously stoked to have nailed it.     

Post-workout celebratory selfie in my car!  

The workout (all intervals done at 8:00/mile pace):

2 mile warm-up

1 x 400 m 200 m easy recovery run

1 x 800 m with 400 m easy recovery run

1 x 1200 m with 400 easy recovery run

1 x 1 mile with 800 m easy recovery run

1 x 800 m with 400 m easy recovery run

1 x 400 with 200 m easy recovery run

Run relatively easy until I hit 8 miles total 

I was most dreading that mile interval!  I haven't run an entire mile at that pace in, well, years!  

But I was able to run all of the intervals, and it didn't feel nearly as hard as I thought it would.  It was tough, though, and true to form, I was a stinky, sweaty beast by the end.  

I did this workout as part of training plan that I am following to hopefully be able to break the 2 hour mark in the half-marathon.  My next half is on June 18th, the Seattle Rock 'n Roll Half-Marathon.  Fingers crossed that I'll be able to crush my goal!

When I got home, I decided that what my babies needed most was a big hug from their fragrant mommy.  This is what Maddie thought of that plan:

"Oh, Mommy...gross."  

Tess quickly decided that she needed my phone more than I did.  

Tyler and I took Tess to Fred Meyer yesterday, and I loved seeing her walk around, cookie in hand with her "camera" around her neck...

On the way home, she showed me what a sad face looks like:

This wee babe makes us laugh every day.  She has been a hilarious ray of sunshine during this dark period of unemployment.  But good news!!!  Tyler got a job yesterday!  He starts work on Monday, and we are SO grateful!  We are feeling supremely blessed and loved.  Yippee!!!

I also took my Maddie to Tae Kwon Do yesterday (she goes three days a week).  It was fun watching her talk with her friend, Kylie, and to see her hone her deadly ninja skills.  

Two blondies: Maddie & Kylie

Have a wonderful day!