The Big 3-0!

On Monday, I was able to run for THIRTY consecutive, pain-free minutes!!!  

It made me SO happy.  

I am on my way back to the runner I was, and moving on towards the runner I want to be.  

This morning, I woke up at 5 a.m. and ran for 32 consecutive, pain-free minutes!  More joy!  The above picture was my view at the end of my run, while I stretched on my porch.  The fog was thick, but it was still quite warm outside.  

Today also marked milestones for two of my babies: 

The first day of 4th grade for Maddie!

The first day of 7th grade for Maia!  

Only four years until Tess starts Kindergarten.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...  :)  

Flashes of Joy

Recently, I was talking to my therapist about my conscious search for non-food sources of joy.  After applauding my brilliance and suggesting that perhaps I should be counseling HER (haha), she cautioned me to remember that what brings me joy one day might not do so the next.  And that's okay!  She suggested thinking of it in these terms: that I am going to view my world with "joy glasses".  I will be looking for those flashes of joy that vary in intensity, duration and frequency.  There will be mornings when the sight of Tess' cherubic, smiling face will make my heart melt, and others when that same sight makes me scream in my mind, "For the love of all that is good and holy, GO BACK TO BED!"  :)

Lately, these are some of the things and moments that have registered on my joy radar:

Tess was delighted to hide out in Maddie's canopy with her big sister.  After awhile, she had a huge pile of stuffed animals piled up in there, too.  

Tess' impeccable fashion sense!  

During a break in the rain today, Tess spent a long time stirring a concoction of rainwater and chunks of chalk in a bucket.  

She was pretty excited about her mad stirrin' skills.

I made the girls go on a walk together this afternoon.  Unless commanded, they rarely move all that much.  It's so frustrating!  Does anyone else have that issue with their children?  At first, they were really grumpy about it, but after awhile I caught this moment of kindness and then the beautiful smiles below.  Mothering win!  :)

Tess eventually joined in on the walking action.  She can't let her big sisters have ALL the fun.  

Girls' Night!  Tonight, I was able to enjoy the company of two of my favorite people, Tina and Kayleen.  We went to the Iron Rabbit (go there, local friends!  It's great!) for dinner and dessert.  Yes, I had dessert.  Don't judge me.  :)  And I'm so glad I did!  It was the most amazing brownie I've ever had.  Holy yum!  Our server's name was Joy, too, which I thought auspicious.  

Title-less Tuesday

It's hard to change.  Sometimes, it's easier to stay in our ruts, rather than brave the enticing, but unknown path.  At least the life we currently have is familiar.  We know it's survivable.  

The well-worn ruts in my brain direct my thoughts like powerful magnets calling to metal filings.  Depression and anxiety relentlessly pull at me to shore up the "Woe Is Me" and "I Am Awful" roads and the "Life Is Too Hard and Almost Always Miserable" highway.  

And often, when I feel like that, I want treats.  I want the thinking to just stop.  I want to bury my face in a pint of ice cream while zoning out in front of the TV.  Oh, and I want chocolate.  And cookies.  And big, gooey slices of cake with a thick layer of frosting on top.  Nothing else seems as exciting.  It's hard to find other sources of joy when I feel like that.  And really, that isn't joy.  It's escaping, but not in a way that nourishes me, in any sense of the word.  

But I don't want to use food to numb myself.  Eating treats should be an occasional, pleasurable experience in which I am fully present.  One that involves me really tasting each bite and enjoying all the wonderful flavors it contains.  A time where I allow myself to have what I have.  Which is what I'm trying to do with the rest of my life, too.  To feel all the gratitude and pleasure I can, despite the ever-dampening effect of anxiety and depression.  So, the search continues...

I love listening to Tyler play with our girls.  They adore his funny voices and silly stories.  I do too.  He makes all of us laugh and that lightens my load.  Case in point: he named our Little People pilgrim man, Buford T. Buttlips.  Good 'ol Buford has gone on many a wild and hilarious adventure.

Tess was obviously delighted.  :)

And then was alarmed when Buford fell off his horse.  Naturally, she turns to me to remedy horse-related mishaps.  

I told myself to stop and look at the moon last night.  It was so gorgeous!  

Sun + fresh air + happy babies = a happier mama and happier babies!

 Run, Maddie, run!  :)

Joy = slave labor!  :)  I feel happiness when I see proof that my children are turning into capable people.  

Being accepted and loved by my girlies makes everything better.  

Sunny selfies with crooked glasses.  :)

Cutting Myself Some Slack...

Today began with a fantastic run!  Fantastic because I didn't push my long-suffering knees beyond what they can currently bear.  I didn't let my pride and insecurities rule my workout, for once.  I am now one day closer to being able to run as far as I want, without any damn walk breaks.  Victory!  

Running was followed by swimming laps at The Valley (where we have a gym membership) with Alicia and Maia.  For several years, I've wanted to become a much better swimmer, but I've felt shy about swimming in front of other people because I know I'm not very good at it.  I can get from Point A to Point B just fine, but I'm not particularly graceful or efficient.  I finally decided that I needed to simply go for it and not let what anyone else might be thinking rule my actions.  What a silly way to live, eh?  I think it's something that most of us struggle with, though, in one way or another.  So, I now try to swim laps once a week, and it feels like such a win every time I do.  I still fight my insecurities the entire time and have to deal with the voice in my head that says that if I can't swim perfectly than I am worthless and wasting my time, but it's worth it.  

I decided today that the idea of not eating treats for 30 days is making me too miserable.  In an effort to find balance, but to also honor my goal of finding non-food sources of joy, I am going to allow myself to eat treats on Saturday.  And only Saturday.  I feel good about this plan!  It's more realistic, as I want to find a way to maintain my weight loss that I can sustain for the rest of my life.  I only have a few more pounds to lose to be at my healthiest weight, anyway.  I blame Trader Joe's for this alteration to my plan.  Their chocolate-covered raisins and S'mores bites were simply too much for my treat-starved soul to resist.  

Some of today's high points:

Alicia and I enjoyed a good chunk of quality coloring time while our wee-est babes dozed.  

Maia made delicious blueberry muffins (I command you to ignore my dirty oven!).  

My "Real Simple" magazine subscription is going to expire soon.  As it was a gift from my mom, they sent her this letter asking about renewing the gift and it really made me laugh to see what they wrote on the envelope.  Ah, "Real Simple", my poor mother has been wondering about that very problem for years!  What is to be done with me?!?!  :)

Chef Alicia made us the most delicious dinner and dessert crepes tonight!  The dinner ones were filled with cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms, ham, bell peppers, basil and herbs de Provence.  Ooh la la!  We had melted chocolate, melted marshmallows, whipped cream, strawberries, and lemon curd for the dessert ones.  Culinary perfection!  

Three deer pranced about the field behind our house for awhile this evening.  

Time for a chick flick with Alicia while the menfolk protect us by destroying virtual enemies on small screens...

Day 3

Joy.  Hmm.  Well, today it was hard to come by.  It couldn't get through the press of obsessive thoughts or the fog of a low mood.  But today still held high points!  The most significant of which was the presence of my best friend, Alicia.  She and her boys drove here from Portland last night and I won't have to say goodbye to her until Sunday evening.  

Alicia and her beloved, Beau, with one of their handsome boys, Blake - Cannon Beach, OR

Recently, Alicia and I bought ourselves coloring books.  It makes me giggle to see them called "Adult Coloring Books".  Those would be interesting.  Talk about your 50 shades of gray...ha.  Enough perversion!  :)  

I find coloring very relaxing, but also hard to stop once I get started.  I've turned to coloring recently when I felt like my thoughts were racing too much, and it did help them to calm down a bit.  

Our current masterpieces, mid-creation, laid out on my island counter top.  Mine is on the left.  

Another high point today was being able to see my parents for a little bit.  They graciously babysat Miss Tess for me while I stayed to watch one of Maddie's Tae Kwon Do classes.  I'm so grateful for their love and support!

My parents, canoodling on Cannon Beach.  

And because you need to feel joy as well, enjoy these amazing photographs:

We could not be any hotter.  

We're so good-lookin' it's scary!  

This man makes me laugh.  He's just what I need.  :)

Joy

After much thought and struggle (i.e. a pattern of deprivation and bingeing) over the past couple of months, I've decided that I need to really work on finding non-food sources of joy. For 30 days (beginning August 19th) I will not eat treats (desserts, candy, cookies, etc.).  I need to temporarily take the decision of "Should I eat treats today or not?" out of my life because I spend a HUGE amount of time and energy each day determining what the answer to that question should be. Instead, I will be deliberately and consciously looking for other ways to bring joy into my life. With my current levels of depression, compulsive thoughts, and anxiety, this will be very difficult, I think, but it feels like the right thing to do, for me, for now. 

For months now, I've felt that the only activities that bring me any joy are eating treats, running and reading.  But obviously, eating treats (I don't know how to happily do that in moderation) leads to feeling sluggish/sick and gaining weight.  I cannot run very far right now (I'll explain in a moment), and I can only read when Tess is sleeping.  I need to expand my joy arsenal!  

Regarding running, my "Runner's Knee" is because I have terrible valgus control of my quadriceps muscles.  I found a superb physical therapist that was able to pinpoint the source of my pain, thankfully!  Rehab consists of certain exercises that I regularly do and scaling back my running A LOT.  I'm reduced to running with walk breaks.  I hate it!!!  I ACHE for a long, long run...a good ten miles or more.  With no cursed walk breaks!  My new goal, though, is to be able to run 30 continuous minutes without pain.  I'm hoping that I can reach that by September 19th.  It appears I won't be able to run a half-marathon distance until the end of the year.  SIGH.  But this has hammered home for me a valuable truth: I am a chronic over-trainer.  Unless I begin to train intelligently with regards to my distance and speed, eventually I won't be able to run at all.  Lesson finally learned.  With many a  dramatic sigh and complaining.  :)  

So, joy.  Here are a few things that brought me joy yesterday:

Yes, this is a book, but I adore it so!  I began re-reading this series a couple of days ago and HIGHLY recommend it.  This time, I'm trying to read it slowly and carefully and enjoy every page.  

I was FINALLY able to put pig-tails in Tess' hair!  Eeeeeeee!  So sweet!!!

Tess' outfit yesterday also made me happy.  Her pants have unicorns on them and her darling shirt says, "Tres Cute".  

And when my children are happy, I feel joy.  

To be continued...

Finally!

American Pharoah winning the 2015 Triple Crown!

I really love running.  And I really love horses.  So it's probably not surprising that I am a fan of horse racing.  Especially the three races that make up the Triple Crown: the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the Belmont.  

Until yesterday, no horse had won the Triple Crown in my lifetime.  My mom was about four weeks pregnant with me when Affirmed won the Triple Crown in 1978.

My dad introduced me to horse racing when I was very young, and as I grew up, I'd watch coverage of my three favorite races every year.  I'd read all about the top contenders before the Kentucky Derby and then root with my whole horse-crazy soul for the Derby winner to take the Preakness and the Belmont.  Several horses came close, but I was getting used to disappointment.

And then American Pharoah came along!  This gorgeous bay stallion galloped into the history books yesterday with an impressive wire-to-wire win in the Belmont that earned him the first Triple Crown victory in 37 loooonnnngggg years!

While watching the pre-race coverage, I bit off all my nails.  I felt as nervous as I do when I'm running a race myself.  And to fully illustrate just how big of a horse-nerd I am, watching American Pharoah win left me crying and literally shaking with excitement and happiness.  I've achieved complete dork-dom.  :)  

I now have another item to add to my Bucket List: travel to the farm where American Pharoah will eventually be a stud and SEE him in person.  And wish I was rich enough to buy one of his babies.  :)

My new screensaver.  This picture also inadvertently captured two of my antidotes for sadness: antidepressants and horses!  :)  

Prior to the race on Saturday, we went to the Olympia Farmer's Market where one of the vendors displayed their American Pharoah love (and inability to spell his misspelled name correctly - haha).  

As for my own running, I am still dealing with achy knees, but I think I'm on the mend.  On Friday, I ran twelve miles along the scenic Chehalis Western Trail.  My knees ached off-and-on for most of the run, but it wasn't an acute pain.  I alternated between feeling so happy and light, trotting along, listening to my favorite music, and worrying about my knees and just feeling tired.  It was one of those runs...where you run "hill repeats" up and down the peaks and valleys of your confidence.  I think it was a good run to accomplish right before my race, though.  I have no worries about being able to cover the distance, and I was reminded that I can power through mental and physical difficulties.  See you soon, Yellowstone!  

Tess and I relaxing after my twelve-miler with an episode of "The Wiggles".  :)

Brings me to my knees...

I have Runner's Knee.  Argh!!!  I haven't run since Saturday and I am antsy for a nice, long, sweaty run.  I'll attempt some miles on the treadmill tomorrow, though, and run as far as I can without any pain.  

Post-run in my pretty purple shoes.  I am a big fan of Brooks!

My next race, the Yellowstone Half Marathon, is in 15 days and I'm very excited about it!  I ran 13.1 miles Saturday, so even if I'm not able to log any significant long runs between now and my race, I'm not too worried.  I'm still riding my bike and doing various strength exercises (planks, push-ups, modified wall-sits, etc.), so I don't think my aerobic base will suffer much, if it all.  

One of my very favorite humans, Kate, will be running this race too.  I can't wait to experience Yellowstone and this epic run (7000 feet above sea level!  Yikes!) with her!  As hard as it is for me to admit it, I won't be setting any PRs at this race.  The elevation change will make that impossible.  And that's okay.  I have to keep reasoning with my overly competitive, perfectionist voice.  When I ran 13.1 miles on Saturday, I did PR (2:06:45).  And I wasn't even trying to!  Yay!  My plan had been to only run 10 miles, but I just didn't want to stop.  My knees were aching, but my soul needed a few more miles.  Maybe it wasn't the smartest decision, injury-wise, but it was what I needed to do that day.  So, I'm hopeful that if I can conquer my Runner's Knee and train intelligently, I'll be able to snag a sub-2:00 half in July when I race one here in Olympia, the Lakefair Half Marathon.

I got some new running-related toys recently.  First, a jogging stroller!  Now, if I sleep in, or just feel like running a bit later in the day, I can easily take Miss Tess with me.  Plus, it was a $50 craigslist find.  Suh-weet!

Tess approves of her new ride.

I also got a new Garmin (my trusty 'ol Garmin Forerunner 305 finally died) and I'm thrilled with all the nifty things it can do.  It even tells me my cadence, so I can focus on taking more steps per minute which shortens my stride and puts less pressure on my knees.  

I love seeing those stats.  It includes the walking I did before and after my 13.1 miles, hence the slower pace, but it still makes me happy just to look at them.  

This weekend has a lot of happiness in store for me: my grandpa NelsOn (my dad's dad) will be visiting us from Boise, Maddie will be advancing in Tae Kwon Do to an Advanced Purple belt, and my parents will be arriving here on Saturday night.  They bought a house in Olympia and will be joining us here permanently!  Hooray!  We are all big fans of Grandma and Grandpa NelsOn around here.  :)  

And now it's time to read outside in my hammock while Tess naps.  Bliss.  

Be Alive!

I got the best present in the mail today!  My friend, Casey Randall, sent me a handmade necklace, stamped with her motto "Be Alive!"  I love it!!!

My new favorite accessory and a bit 'o my Tess

I met Casey on the slopes of Mt. Marathon in 2009.  The first thing I noticed about her was her impeccable taste in athletic wear:

My "twin" and I, at the end of Mt. Marathon in downtown Seward, AK

We talked each other through that race, and I really enjoyed getting to know her a little bit.  Her innate awesomeness was immediately apparent.  She gave me her contact information after the race, but I was a shy fool and never hung out with her again.  But thanks to Facebook, I've been able to "stalk" (haha) her and follow her adventures with her beautiful family (including two adorable children).  This included watching from afar as she dealt with a cancer diagnosis and then conquered that awful disease.  Throughout her cancer journey, I was continually impressed with her positive attitude and her desire to bless others and lift them up.  Every one of her status updates and blog entries left me feeling inspired and amazed and more grateful for my own life and all the possibilities it holds.  She continues to motivate me to be a better version of myself and to go after the adventures I'm passionate about.  As I understand it, that's what her "Be Alive!" movement is all about and I am a huge fan!  Look for it and her on Facebook and prepare yourself for a dose of happiness and motivation every time she shows up on your news feed.

She also gifted me with two "Be Alive!" stickers and I'm rather proud of how my car's bumper is lookin':

Thank you, Casey!  :)

*****
So, my knees have been aching lately during my runs.  I thought that it was because I needed new shoes, so yesterday, I bought the new version of what I'd been wearing: Brooks Adrenaline GTS 15.  I ran six miles in them last night, outside, and my knees ached for most of the run.  Sigh.  Now I'm wondering if my knees are simply reminding me that I've been overdoing it for too long and that taking it easy for most of a week probably wasn't enough of a break.  I'm now formulating a plan of attack to prevent further pain.  My training plan calls for a speed workout tomorrow, and I'm going to do that and just see how I feel.  It'll be on a treadmill, which I think will feel better than pavement.  I'm also going to incorporate more exercises into my workouts that will help to strengthen my knees and the muscles that protect them.  If I have to, I'll take a break from running and engage in a monogamous relationship with my bike for awhile.  :)  To be continued...

Maia and my old, as of yesterday, shoes

Takin' It Easy

Last Saturday, I ran another eight miles and it became clear to me after only a few minutes that I am over-training.  My legs felt heavy and sluggish.  Honestly, I already knew that I had been pushing it too hard for a few weeks, at least, but I didn't want to admit it.  I have a hard time accepting a workout as "good enough" if it doesn't leave me exhausted and wrecked.  In a good way.  :)  My self-confidence and self-esteem rely heavily on how hard I push myself as an athlete.  Not good.  Luckily, the fear of not being able to run due to an injury is stronger than my urge to overdo it.  So, I'm trying hard to focus on the "big picture".  I have some lofty (for me!) running goals and taking it easy on my rest and recovery days is the only way that my body will be able to gain strength and speed.

Yesterday, I did 30 minutes of yoga, followed by an easy 25 minutes on my bike and 20 push-ups.  Not too tough.  

Today, I debated not exercising at all, since I have a hard tempo run scheduled for tomorrow morning, but I just couldn't NOT exercise!  It really does help to calm my anxiety and keep me moving through this low mood, rather than simply wallowing in it.  So, I rode my bike for 35 minutes.  Normally, in my crazy mind, anything less than 45 minutes is unacceptable.  And I still fought that silly, critical voice when I stopped at 35 minutes, but I'm proud of myself that I did what was best for my body.  Victory!  

Along Henderson Blvd., near my home.  I frequently run along this road.  I love all the pink blossoms!

*****

 I have never really had a desire to run a marathon.  I don't know why, since I like taking on challenges that make people go, "Wow!  You did that?!?!"  :)  Over the last few months, though, I've started feeling like maybe a marathon should be my next major goal; after I run a few more half-marathons, anyway.  I was well and truly inspired to run a marathon yesterday as I watched coverage of the Boston Marathon.  I am in awe of what those elite runners can do!  I was also inspired by the story of a runner-blogger that I love and admire, HungryRunnerGirl.com.  I followed her progress as she trained for Boston and was moved by her account of how the race went.  And while I would now love to run Boston someday, I don't know if I'll ever be fast enough to qualify.  Maybe I'll reevaluate after I tackle that first marathon.  To be continued...

It was awesome to see an American (Desi!) holding her own amongst all those talented African runners.  

*****

I read a beautiful passage in a beautiful book today.  The book is, "Longbourn" by Jo Baker.  Any Jane Austen fans will love it, I'm sure.  The part that resonated with me today was about the head housekeeper, a woman with a very tiring, very difficult life.  But this is what she said (thought):

"There was so much to be thankful for: there was pleasure in her work, in the rituals and routines of service, the care and conservation of beautiful things, the baking of good bread and the turning of rough, raw foods into savoury and sustaining meals.  There was pleasure, too, in the little clutch of people that she now had clustered around her."  

Obviously, I don't have to work as hard as a head housekeeper in mid-nineteenth-century Britain, but my life right now revolves around repetitive chores and the needs of my little ones.  While I am grateful that I can stay home with my babies, I find it difficult to not be frustrated and bored with this lifestyle (I enjoy it more when my kids are older...grow quickly, Tess!  But not really.).  So, reading those words reminded me of the beauty in my everyday.    

Birdies basking in the sun on my back fence.