Be Alive!

I got the best present in the mail today!  My friend, Casey Randall, sent me a handmade necklace, stamped with her motto "Be Alive!"  I love it!!!

My new favorite accessory and a bit 'o my Tess

I met Casey on the slopes of Mt. Marathon in 2009.  The first thing I noticed about her was her impeccable taste in athletic wear:

My "twin" and I, at the end of Mt. Marathon in downtown Seward, AK

We talked each other through that race, and I really enjoyed getting to know her a little bit.  Her innate awesomeness was immediately apparent.  She gave me her contact information after the race, but I was a shy fool and never hung out with her again.  But thanks to Facebook, I've been able to "stalk" (haha) her and follow her adventures with her beautiful family (including two adorable children).  This included watching from afar as she dealt with a cancer diagnosis and then conquered that awful disease.  Throughout her cancer journey, I was continually impressed with her positive attitude and her desire to bless others and lift them up.  Every one of her status updates and blog entries left me feeling inspired and amazed and more grateful for my own life and all the possibilities it holds.  She continues to motivate me to be a better version of myself and to go after the adventures I'm passionate about.  As I understand it, that's what her "Be Alive!" movement is all about and I am a huge fan!  Look for it and her on Facebook and prepare yourself for a dose of happiness and motivation every time she shows up on your news feed.

She also gifted me with two "Be Alive!" stickers and I'm rather proud of how my car's bumper is lookin':

Thank you, Casey!  :)

*****
So, my knees have been aching lately during my runs.  I thought that it was because I needed new shoes, so yesterday, I bought the new version of what I'd been wearing: Brooks Adrenaline GTS 15.  I ran six miles in them last night, outside, and my knees ached for most of the run.  Sigh.  Now I'm wondering if my knees are simply reminding me that I've been overdoing it for too long and that taking it easy for most of a week probably wasn't enough of a break.  I'm now formulating a plan of attack to prevent further pain.  My training plan calls for a speed workout tomorrow, and I'm going to do that and just see how I feel.  It'll be on a treadmill, which I think will feel better than pavement.  I'm also going to incorporate more exercises into my workouts that will help to strengthen my knees and the muscles that protect them.  If I have to, I'll take a break from running and engage in a monogamous relationship with my bike for awhile.  :)  To be continued...

Maia and my old, as of yesterday, shoes

Takin' It Easy

Last Saturday, I ran another eight miles and it became clear to me after only a few minutes that I am over-training.  My legs felt heavy and sluggish.  Honestly, I already knew that I had been pushing it too hard for a few weeks, at least, but I didn't want to admit it.  I have a hard time accepting a workout as "good enough" if it doesn't leave me exhausted and wrecked.  In a good way.  :)  My self-confidence and self-esteem rely heavily on how hard I push myself as an athlete.  Not good.  Luckily, the fear of not being able to run due to an injury is stronger than my urge to overdo it.  So, I'm trying hard to focus on the "big picture".  I have some lofty (for me!) running goals and taking it easy on my rest and recovery days is the only way that my body will be able to gain strength and speed.

Yesterday, I did 30 minutes of yoga, followed by an easy 25 minutes on my bike and 20 push-ups.  Not too tough.  

Today, I debated not exercising at all, since I have a hard tempo run scheduled for tomorrow morning, but I just couldn't NOT exercise!  It really does help to calm my anxiety and keep me moving through this low mood, rather than simply wallowing in it.  So, I rode my bike for 35 minutes.  Normally, in my crazy mind, anything less than 45 minutes is unacceptable.  And I still fought that silly, critical voice when I stopped at 35 minutes, but I'm proud of myself that I did what was best for my body.  Victory!  

Along Henderson Blvd., near my home.  I frequently run along this road.  I love all the pink blossoms!

*****

 I have never really had a desire to run a marathon.  I don't know why, since I like taking on challenges that make people go, "Wow!  You did that?!?!"  :)  Over the last few months, though, I've started feeling like maybe a marathon should be my next major goal; after I run a few more half-marathons, anyway.  I was well and truly inspired to run a marathon yesterday as I watched coverage of the Boston Marathon.  I am in awe of what those elite runners can do!  I was also inspired by the story of a runner-blogger that I love and admire, HungryRunnerGirl.com.  I followed her progress as she trained for Boston and was moved by her account of how the race went.  And while I would now love to run Boston someday, I don't know if I'll ever be fast enough to qualify.  Maybe I'll reevaluate after I tackle that first marathon.  To be continued...

It was awesome to see an American (Desi!) holding her own amongst all those talented African runners.  

*****

I read a beautiful passage in a beautiful book today.  The book is, "Longbourn" by Jo Baker.  Any Jane Austen fans will love it, I'm sure.  The part that resonated with me today was about the head housekeeper, a woman with a very tiring, very difficult life.  But this is what she said (thought):

"There was so much to be thankful for: there was pleasure in her work, in the rituals and routines of service, the care and conservation of beautiful things, the baking of good bread and the turning of rough, raw foods into savoury and sustaining meals.  There was pleasure, too, in the little clutch of people that she now had clustered around her."  

Obviously, I don't have to work as hard as a head housekeeper in mid-nineteenth-century Britain, but my life right now revolves around repetitive chores and the needs of my little ones.  While I am grateful that I can stay home with my babies, I find it difficult to not be frustrated and bored with this lifestyle (I enjoy it more when my kids are older...grow quickly, Tess!  But not really.).  So, reading those words reminded me of the beauty in my everyday.    

Birdies basking in the sun on my back fence.

Tangential Tuesday (or, this post is rather random)!

Today is a good day.  I can feel hope and optimism creeping back into my mind.  All morning I've been thinking of one of my favorite quotes, by Leonard Cohen:

"Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in."

A beautiful, worthwhile life does not require perfection!  

The weather matches my mood this morning:  

Looking east from my back porch

The western view from my back porch

I did a speedwork session at the gym this morning.  It consisted of a half-mile warm-up, one mile at 8:20/mile pace, a half-mile jogging recovery, another mile at a 8:20/mile pace, and then one mile at a relatively easy pace for a total of four miles.  

Maintaining an 8:20/mile pace for an entire mile, TWICE, was tough!  But I did it!  What amazes me is that that was my pace for my entire recent 5K race!  That just demonstrates the power of race-day adrenaline and the competitive spirit.  

After my time on the treadmill, I did two bicep and two tricep exercises (with free weights) and then the chest press (on a machine).  My arms were so tired when I got home that they shook when I shampooed my hair and plucked my eyebrows.  :)  

For breakfast, I had my usual, daily smoothie.  It's a recipe of my own design and it's delicious and crazy good for you!  It consists of:

1/2 cup frozen blueberries

1 banana

6 - 10 frozen or fresh strawberries (more if fresh)

About 3/4 cup of vanilla Greek yogurt

1 big handful of spinach leaves

1 Tbsp. chia seeds

1 Tbsp. flax seed

About 1 cup of vanilla almond milk 

Blend and enjoy!  :)

Further proof that I am lucky:

Two of my friends, Kayleen Olsen and Tina Ivanoff, brought me these flowers and a big box of chocolates yesterday.  They know that I've been struggling lately and stopped by to chat and make me feel loved.  They are two amazing, lovely women and I'm so grateful for their friendship!  

And, finally, yesterday was a big day for Tess.  She got her first pair of running shoes!

Teeny tiny running shoes!

Tess and Maddie

I hope you are each having a good day, too.  Thanks for reading!  

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...

This week has been rough.  Depression has clung to me like my hot pink compression socks.  :)  I did manage to get some good workouts in, though, and I was able to feel some satisfaction in those accomplishments.  

I decided to begin a new training plan in preparation for the Yellowstone Half Marathon that I'll be running on June 13th (at an elevation of nearly 7000 feet!  Yikes!).  I found it on runnersworld.com and it's through the Smart Coach training program.  It's very personalized, based on recent race times and what your goals are, and you can adjust the training plan as you progress through it.  So far, so good.  

Today, my plan called for an eight mile long run.  It's amazing how eight miles doesn't feel long anymore!  This particular run felt okay.  For parts of it, I felt like I had to remember how to run, if that makes any sense.  I had a hard time relaxing and feeling "smooth".  But it still left me feeling lighter and a bit less oppressed by the weight of my sadness.  So, mission accomplished.  

My trusty shoes and I relaxed on the porch after my run, taking in the beautiful sky. 

My littlest beauty LOVES to be outside and wasn't about to let me enjoy the early-morning outside world without her.  Aren't her jammies adorable?!?!  

Snuggling one of the reasons why I NEED to run.  :)

Because of the hold depression has on me lately, it's been very hard for me to go easy on my easy days and rest on my rest days.  Right now, running/exercise really is my therapy.  Going a day without it makes me feel restless and anxious.  But, I know running/exercising hard every day will only lead to injury and not being able to run at all, eventually.  It helps that I have a training plan to guide me.  I want to be able to run for the rest of my life, not just through this difficult time.  

Runnin' Like a Fool!

Today, I raced in the Run Like a Fool 5K!  

Me, post-race

It was two flat laps around beautiful Capital Lake, here in Olympia.   

About to complete my first lap with some exciting hair.

My last 5K (August 2014) race time was 27:42.  I'm considerably stronger and about 15 pounds lighter than I was then, but I've never been a very speedy runner and I wasn't sure what time I could reasonably expect.  Also, my legs are still sore from a couple of hard workouts I did earlier in the week, and I wondered how that would affect my time.  So, my goal for the race today was anything under 27 minutes, but I always secretly hope that I can crush my goal.  And I did!  My time was right around 25:40 (I'm still waiting on the official results)!  

Celebrating my time!

Half-way done!

My gorgeous, supportive cheerleaders!  Tyler and Tess were there, too, but were warming up in the car at this point.  It was around 38 degrees and the wind was blowing.  It was SO COLD.  

I was able to convince my new friend, Sharon, to run today's race, too!  She's getting back into running and I'm so impressed that she just jumped right in and gave it her all.  Her husband and two of her kids also raced.  Well done, Harris Family!  

To add icing to my time-goal cake, I won first place in my age division for the women!  Wow!  It was a very pleasant surprise.  I'm not sure how many women were even IN my division, but we're going to say a lot.  Tons.  :)  

Me and my sweet Maia with my award: a ribbon and a water bottle with two Gu packets inside.  

I enjoyed this race, but it reinforced, for me, that I am a long-distance runner.  It hurts to run that fast!  Usually, my best, happiest running happens after I hit about the eight-mile mark.  But I think running shorter races is good mental and physical training.  And it IS nice to have the pain be over so quickly. 

Relaxing at home in my race t-shirt.  It's a comfy one!  

Fightin' Words

Depression, with its iron tentacles, has pulled me under again.  I thought that since my diagnosis of clinical depression and a generalized anxiety disorder in January 2000, I had finally outrun that dark heaviness.  I had felt comparatively content for the last few years.  Anxiety still plagues me, but I had hope that since I "conquered" depression, I could vanquish my anxiety, too.  Eventually.  

Ha.  I was wrong.  Depression, that tenacious bastard, has moved in again.  I feel stalked.  

But I'm not done hoping or fighting for relief.  And that's where running comes in...  

Depression leaches all the joy out of my life.  Color is subsumed into flat gray.  But as I run, joy nudges its way back in.  I feel lighter.  I run out from under the suffocating sadness.  

Depression shouts at me that I am a loser.  Worthless.  That I can't do anything well.  But when I run, I reclaim some of the confidence that my depression claims.  I strengthen that part of me that I always like: the athlete.  The bad-ass chick that loves to run up mountains in the rain.  

Depression convinces me that I'm a failure.  At everything.  But when I run, I'm succeeding at something.  It's tangible and obvious.  Especially when I notice my progress over time.  

Depression constantly screams at me that I'm fat and ugly and therefore, totally unworthy of attention or love.  But running reminds me that even while I struggle with loving my body, my body can do some impressive things.  And I am lucky to have this body!  Paradoxically, when I am looking my "worst" (post-hard run/race) is when I feel the most beautiful.        

Bloody, battered and bruised (but so happy!) at the end of Mt. Marathon, 2012

Depression also makes me even more dramatic.  Sorry.  :)

Depression makes me feel lonely and invisible.  But when I run, and especially race, complete strangers cheer for me.  And my favorite cheerleaders are always at the finish line, if possible, to bestow hugs and kisses on my sweaty self.  They tell me they're proud of me and remind me of how much I am loved.  And then they take me out for donuts.  Suh-weet!    

At my first post-Tess race, a 5K, in August 2014.  

I love seeing these faces after my races (Maddie's too, of course!).  :)

Depression tells me that I need to make major life changes RIGHT NOW.  Luckily, that urge is usually satisfied by signing up for another race.  Phew.  Well, this round of depression also led to a new piercing.  Nothing too shocking, though.  :)  

(My next half-marathon!)

Depression tells me that life really is a big, shi*$y joke and that the only solution is to embrace bitterness and give up.  Running reminds me that I am not a quitter.  I never walk until I've crested the hill.  I don't stop running until I've crossed the finish line.  I do each and every interval, no matter how tired I am.  I am more tenacious than depression.  

At the top (finally!) of Mt. Marathon, 2012

Running saves me.  It helps to magnify my good qualities and minimize the ones I'm not proud of.  It lets a shaft of light pierce the heavy black cloud that depression drowns me in (see?  Dramatic!).  :)  

I am so grateful for my strong legs and my stubborn heart.  Good luck, depression.  You'll need it.