Title-less Tuesday

It's hard to change.  Sometimes, it's easier to stay in our ruts, rather than brave the enticing, but unknown path.  At least the life we currently have is familiar.  We know it's survivable.  

The well-worn ruts in my brain direct my thoughts like powerful magnets calling to metal filings.  Depression and anxiety relentlessly pull at me to shore up the "Woe Is Me" and "I Am Awful" roads and the "Life Is Too Hard and Almost Always Miserable" highway.  

And often, when I feel like that, I want treats.  I want the thinking to just stop.  I want to bury my face in a pint of ice cream while zoning out in front of the TV.  Oh, and I want chocolate.  And cookies.  And big, gooey slices of cake with a thick layer of frosting on top.  Nothing else seems as exciting.  It's hard to find other sources of joy when I feel like that.  And really, that isn't joy.  It's escaping, but not in a way that nourishes me, in any sense of the word.  

But I don't want to use food to numb myself.  Eating treats should be an occasional, pleasurable experience in which I am fully present.  One that involves me really tasting each bite and enjoying all the wonderful flavors it contains.  A time where I allow myself to have what I have.  Which is what I'm trying to do with the rest of my life, too.  To feel all the gratitude and pleasure I can, despite the ever-dampening effect of anxiety and depression.  So, the search continues...

I love listening to Tyler play with our girls.  They adore his funny voices and silly stories.  I do too.  He makes all of us laugh and that lightens my load.  Case in point: he named our Little People pilgrim man, Buford T. Buttlips.  Good 'ol Buford has gone on many a wild and hilarious adventure.

Tess was obviously delighted.  :)

And then was alarmed when Buford fell off his horse.  Naturally, she turns to me to remedy horse-related mishaps.  

I told myself to stop and look at the moon last night.  It was so gorgeous!  

Sun + fresh air + happy babies = a happier mama and happier babies!

 Run, Maddie, run!  :)

Joy = slave labor!  :)  I feel happiness when I see proof that my children are turning into capable people.  

Being accepted and loved by my girlies makes everything better.  

Sunny selfies with crooked glasses.  :)

Cutting Myself Some Slack...

Today began with a fantastic run!  Fantastic because I didn't push my long-suffering knees beyond what they can currently bear.  I didn't let my pride and insecurities rule my workout, for once.  I am now one day closer to being able to run as far as I want, without any damn walk breaks.  Victory!  

Running was followed by swimming laps at The Valley (where we have a gym membership) with Alicia and Maia.  For several years, I've wanted to become a much better swimmer, but I've felt shy about swimming in front of other people because I know I'm not very good at it.  I can get from Point A to Point B just fine, but I'm not particularly graceful or efficient.  I finally decided that I needed to simply go for it and not let what anyone else might be thinking rule my actions.  What a silly way to live, eh?  I think it's something that most of us struggle with, though, in one way or another.  So, I now try to swim laps once a week, and it feels like such a win every time I do.  I still fight my insecurities the entire time and have to deal with the voice in my head that says that if I can't swim perfectly than I am worthless and wasting my time, but it's worth it.  

I decided today that the idea of not eating treats for 30 days is making me too miserable.  In an effort to find balance, but to also honor my goal of finding non-food sources of joy, I am going to allow myself to eat treats on Saturday.  And only Saturday.  I feel good about this plan!  It's more realistic, as I want to find a way to maintain my weight loss that I can sustain for the rest of my life.  I only have a few more pounds to lose to be at my healthiest weight, anyway.  I blame Trader Joe's for this alteration to my plan.  Their chocolate-covered raisins and S'mores bites were simply too much for my treat-starved soul to resist.  

Some of today's high points:

Alicia and I enjoyed a good chunk of quality coloring time while our wee-est babes dozed.  

Maia made delicious blueberry muffins (I command you to ignore my dirty oven!).  

My "Real Simple" magazine subscription is going to expire soon.  As it was a gift from my mom, they sent her this letter asking about renewing the gift and it really made me laugh to see what they wrote on the envelope.  Ah, "Real Simple", my poor mother has been wondering about that very problem for years!  What is to be done with me?!?!  :)

Chef Alicia made us the most delicious dinner and dessert crepes tonight!  The dinner ones were filled with cheese, tomatoes, mushrooms, ham, bell peppers, basil and herbs de Provence.  Ooh la la!  We had melted chocolate, melted marshmallows, whipped cream, strawberries, and lemon curd for the dessert ones.  Culinary perfection!  

Three deer pranced about the field behind our house for awhile this evening.  

Time for a chick flick with Alicia while the menfolk protect us by destroying virtual enemies on small screens...

Day 3

Joy.  Hmm.  Well, today it was hard to come by.  It couldn't get through the press of obsessive thoughts or the fog of a low mood.  But today still held high points!  The most significant of which was the presence of my best friend, Alicia.  She and her boys drove here from Portland last night and I won't have to say goodbye to her until Sunday evening.  

Alicia and her beloved, Beau, with one of their handsome boys, Blake - Cannon Beach, OR

Recently, Alicia and I bought ourselves coloring books.  It makes me giggle to see them called "Adult Coloring Books".  Those would be interesting.  Talk about your 50 shades of gray...ha.  Enough perversion!  :)  

I find coloring very relaxing, but also hard to stop once I get started.  I've turned to coloring recently when I felt like my thoughts were racing too much, and it did help them to calm down a bit.  

Our current masterpieces, mid-creation, laid out on my island counter top.  Mine is on the left.  

Another high point today was being able to see my parents for a little bit.  They graciously babysat Miss Tess for me while I stayed to watch one of Maddie's Tae Kwon Do classes.  I'm so grateful for their love and support!

My parents, canoodling on Cannon Beach.  

And because you need to feel joy as well, enjoy these amazing photographs:

We could not be any hotter.  

We're so good-lookin' it's scary!  

This man makes me laugh.  He's just what I need.  :)

Joy

After much thought and struggle (i.e. a pattern of deprivation and bingeing) over the past couple of months, I've decided that I need to really work on finding non-food sources of joy. For 30 days (beginning August 19th) I will not eat treats (desserts, candy, cookies, etc.).  I need to temporarily take the decision of "Should I eat treats today or not?" out of my life because I spend a HUGE amount of time and energy each day determining what the answer to that question should be. Instead, I will be deliberately and consciously looking for other ways to bring joy into my life. With my current levels of depression, compulsive thoughts, and anxiety, this will be very difficult, I think, but it feels like the right thing to do, for me, for now. 

For months now, I've felt that the only activities that bring me any joy are eating treats, running and reading.  But obviously, eating treats (I don't know how to happily do that in moderation) leads to feeling sluggish/sick and gaining weight.  I cannot run very far right now (I'll explain in a moment), and I can only read when Tess is sleeping.  I need to expand my joy arsenal!  

Regarding running, my "Runner's Knee" is because I have terrible valgus control of my quadriceps muscles.  I found a superb physical therapist that was able to pinpoint the source of my pain, thankfully!  Rehab consists of certain exercises that I regularly do and scaling back my running A LOT.  I'm reduced to running with walk breaks.  I hate it!!!  I ACHE for a long, long run...a good ten miles or more.  With no cursed walk breaks!  My new goal, though, is to be able to run 30 continuous minutes without pain.  I'm hoping that I can reach that by September 19th.  It appears I won't be able to run a half-marathon distance until the end of the year.  SIGH.  But this has hammered home for me a valuable truth: I am a chronic over-trainer.  Unless I begin to train intelligently with regards to my distance and speed, eventually I won't be able to run at all.  Lesson finally learned.  With many a  dramatic sigh and complaining.  :)  

So, joy.  Here are a few things that brought me joy yesterday:

Yes, this is a book, but I adore it so!  I began re-reading this series a couple of days ago and HIGHLY recommend it.  This time, I'm trying to read it slowly and carefully and enjoy every page.  

I was FINALLY able to put pig-tails in Tess' hair!  Eeeeeeee!  So sweet!!!

Tess' outfit yesterday also made me happy.  Her pants have unicorns on them and her darling shirt says, "Tres Cute".  

And when my children are happy, I feel joy.  

To be continued...