The Best Song in the World

Time for a music lesson!  It's time I enlightened all of you as to what song is the best song in the world.  Because there is one.  It's a Tom Petty original called "I Won't Back Down".  If I were going to get a tattoo, it would be this song title.  Instead, I wear it on a bracelet that I never take off:  

I've adopted this song as my personal anthem.  My mantra.  When I was in high school, I used to listen to it before my races (on a big, clunky tape player - I'm old).  I've listened to it hundreds of times and I never get sick of it.  It always makes me feel better.  And I've needed that the last three days.  I turned a corner with my eating issues (Epiphany), and all my demons retaliated with a vengeance.  I could hardly remember what kindness was supposed to feel like, even though I'd been feeling it in abundance for the previous nine days.  I was back to obsessing about wanting to eat treats, but also feeling terror about the size of my stomach.  I just wanted to eat and eat and numb myself, to avoid all the bad feelings and thoughts that had come back.  Luckily, I was expecting this.  Not that that makes it easy to deal with, but I knew that I couldn't possibly overcome almost a lifetime of cruelty to myself, and the accompanying eating habits, in only a few days.  

Lillie has taught me to think of my mental illnesses as external monsters that plague me.  She wanted me to realize that my mental illnesses are not a part of who I am, just like diabetes wouldn't be considered a product of my personality.  It has helped me to get mad at the monsters, rather than myself.  I can rage on them for all they've taken from me, instead of feeling guilt for not being able to overcome what I perceived as personal weaknesses.  Lillie told me that when you try to change the way you live and deal with your monsters, it pisses them off.  They don't want you messing with the status quo.  They've gotten comfortable, and are happy with the cozy little home they've created in your life.  And I know that my epiphany about kindness to myself, and my resulting actions, made them really mad.  They wanted me to go back to how I'd been thinking about my body, food, and myself.  To leave them alone.  To speak my native language.  

Well, too bad, you bastards.  I won't back down.  I loved how I felt when I was being kind to myself, and now I know that it's possible for me to live that way.  I know that I can regain that feeling.  I just have to hang on, and remember that it will get better.  I know it will.  No matter how bad it gets.  

On a side note, I blame my parents for my excellent taste in music.  Music has always been, and still is, a huge part of their lives.  Both accomplished musicians themselves, they made sure I was exposed to the best music: Tom Petty, Bob Dylan (it took me awhile to appreciate good 'ol Bob, though), Cat Stevens, John Hiatt, Tom Cochrane, Jackson Browne, and many, many others.  

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Last night, I ran on the treadmill at the gym while Maia was in her swimming lesson.  It was another tough speedwork session, but I kicked its bum!  I find it's easier for me to run faster in the afternoon and evenings.  Too bad pretty much all races are in the morning!  

My workout:

1 mile warm-up

400 m at 8:00/mile pace

5 x 800 m at 8:00/mile pace

400 m at 7:47/mile pace

Ran easy until I hit 7 miles total

Once again, I was a sweaty, sweaty beast.  About half-way through my workout, a guy got on the treadmill next to mine, which felt weird because there were at least five other treadmills he could've gotten on that weren't right next to me.  I worried for a second about being stinky, but then decided that would be a just punishment for his treadmill choice.  I realized a little while later that he probably chose that treadmill because I was on the one right in front of the TV showing the Mariners game, and he was trying to watch it.  :)  

Post-run...more attractive drops of sweat on the poor, sullied treadmill.  

Post-run selfie with Maia and our cute friend, Mackenzie.  She's in Maia's swimming class, and we go to church with her and her family.  That lady in the background is just jealous...  :)

Thanks for reading!