Recently

 On Friday, I went shopping with my good friends, Tina and Kayleen.  Tess adores both of them.  Tess also has to try out EVERY couch, chair, loveseat, etc. whenever she sees one.  She approved of this one:

While shopping, I bought this pail and shovel for Tess.  She spent a long time filling it with wood chips on Friday afternoon.  Then dumping them out on the slide.  Then filling it up again.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  :)

On Saturday morning, I ran 12 miles with my running buddies.  I took this picture right before they met me at my house.  I love how light it is at 6 a.m. now!  

On Saturday, we spent the afternoon at my parents' house.  Since I no longer have cable, I needed to steal theirs in order to watch the Preakness.  Since American Pharoah won the Triple Crown last year (YAY!!!), I no longer feel like I always have to cheer for the Kentucky Derby winner to win the Preakness.  So, I rooted for Exaggerator because I love the story of the Desormeaux brothers, and he won!  I love horse racing...

While at my parents' house, Tess decided that Mommy and Daddy can only snuggle if she's crawling all over us.  I sustained several injuries from her pointy elbows, knobby knees, and big, hard head.  

"Do I need a new diaper, guys?"

Time for Superman!  

On Sunday morning, as we left to go to church, the girls started playing "Follow the Leader" in the driveway.  It was rather cute...

Sometimes it's so hard to believe that I gave birth to these three beautiful creatures...

Yesterday morning, I went to Body Pump, and then spent 30 minutes on the Stepmill.  I was a shaky, sweaty mess at the end...it felt great!  This is a rather poor pic of the stepmills I walk on...

So sweaty it looks like I showered...hot mama.  Ow, ow, owwww (my attempt at writing out a catcall).

Tess loves "helping" me make my morning smoothie.  She especially loves turning the blender on.  

Yesterday morning, Tess and I took a walk to the lake by our house.  Tess calls it "bee wada", or "big water".  

She can spend a very long time throwing rocks and sticks in the water.  I always have to carry her away from the lake, because she'll never leave of her own accord.  

Until next time!  :)

The Best Song in the World

Time for a music lesson!  It's time I enlightened all of you as to what song is the best song in the world.  Because there is one.  It's a Tom Petty original called "I Won't Back Down".  If I were going to get a tattoo, it would be this song title.  Instead, I wear it on a bracelet that I never take off:  

I've adopted this song as my personal anthem.  My mantra.  When I was in high school, I used to listen to it before my races (on a big, clunky tape player - I'm old).  I've listened to it hundreds of times and I never get sick of it.  It always makes me feel better.  And I've needed that the last three days.  I turned a corner with my eating issues (Epiphany), and all my demons retaliated with a vengeance.  I could hardly remember what kindness was supposed to feel like, even though I'd been feeling it in abundance for the previous nine days.  I was back to obsessing about wanting to eat treats, but also feeling terror about the size of my stomach.  I just wanted to eat and eat and numb myself, to avoid all the bad feelings and thoughts that had come back.  Luckily, I was expecting this.  Not that that makes it easy to deal with, but I knew that I couldn't possibly overcome almost a lifetime of cruelty to myself, and the accompanying eating habits, in only a few days.  

Lillie has taught me to think of my mental illnesses as external monsters that plague me.  She wanted me to realize that my mental illnesses are not a part of who I am, just like diabetes wouldn't be considered a product of my personality.  It has helped me to get mad at the monsters, rather than myself.  I can rage on them for all they've taken from me, instead of feeling guilt for not being able to overcome what I perceived as personal weaknesses.  Lillie told me that when you try to change the way you live and deal with your monsters, it pisses them off.  They don't want you messing with the status quo.  They've gotten comfortable, and are happy with the cozy little home they've created in your life.  And I know that my epiphany about kindness to myself, and my resulting actions, made them really mad.  They wanted me to go back to how I'd been thinking about my body, food, and myself.  To leave them alone.  To speak my native language.  

Well, too bad, you bastards.  I won't back down.  I loved how I felt when I was being kind to myself, and now I know that it's possible for me to live that way.  I know that I can regain that feeling.  I just have to hang on, and remember that it will get better.  I know it will.  No matter how bad it gets.  

On a side note, I blame my parents for my excellent taste in music.  Music has always been, and still is, a huge part of their lives.  Both accomplished musicians themselves, they made sure I was exposed to the best music: Tom Petty, Bob Dylan (it took me awhile to appreciate good 'ol Bob, though), Cat Stevens, John Hiatt, Tom Cochrane, Jackson Browne, and many, many others.  

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Last night, I ran on the treadmill at the gym while Maia was in her swimming lesson.  It was another tough speedwork session, but I kicked its bum!  I find it's easier for me to run faster in the afternoon and evenings.  Too bad pretty much all races are in the morning!  

My workout:

1 mile warm-up

400 m at 8:00/mile pace

5 x 800 m at 8:00/mile pace

400 m at 7:47/mile pace

Ran easy until I hit 7 miles total

Once again, I was a sweaty, sweaty beast.  About half-way through my workout, a guy got on the treadmill next to mine, which felt weird because there were at least five other treadmills he could've gotten on that weren't right next to me.  I worried for a second about being stinky, but then decided that would be a just punishment for his treadmill choice.  I realized a little while later that he probably chose that treadmill because I was on the one right in front of the TV showing the Mariners game, and he was trying to watch it.  :)  

Post-run...more attractive drops of sweat on the poor, sullied treadmill.  

Post-run selfie with Maia and our cute friend, Mackenzie.  She's in Maia's swimming class, and we go to church with her and her family.  That lady in the background is just jealous...  :)

Thanks for reading!

Monday Musings

On Saturday morning, I ran 11 miles.  I never run with my phone, so I don't have any pictures to share, but just imagine this: 

Picture the most beautiful woman you've ever seen.  She runs with a smooth, fluid motion.  She wears a practical but trendy running outfit that looks like it was made for her.  She moves quickly and lightly across the pavement, almost floating.  Nothing jiggles that shouldn't be jiggling.  The falling rain only enhances her beauty, like tiny diamonds catching themselves on her flowing hair and dewy skin.  She breathes quietly and evenly, and her breath smells like Andes mints and happiness.  

I looked nothing like this woman while I was running.  I chafed in few unmentionable places, and my farmer's tan was on full display.  I also made the mistake of running with four beautiful women.  At the end of our runs together, they always look just slightly sweaty, with a healthy flush to their skin.  I look like I ran into a wind machine.  In 100-degree weather.  

But I love running with Gina, Christine, Danika, and Michelle.  They've welcomed me into their running circle with open arms.  They are all smart, kind, funny, speedy women, and I feel lucky to be their friend.  Long runs are so much more pleasant when I get to run with them.  We talk constantly (although, I am told to hush on the hills - haha), and the miles fly by.  

All our muddy feet after the Hillbilly Half Marathon, March 2016.

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Saturday afternoon, we took our three blonde beauties to the Hands On Children's Museum.  All three of our babes adore that place!  We bought a family membership, so I anticipate many hours spent there over the next year.  

Maddie in the museum's Animal Rescue Center.

Arts and crafts!

Tess, naturally, loved "driving" all the museum's different cars.

Tess gettin' her creative on.  

Maddie's favorite part of the museum is the restaurant.

Customizing the water table...

Maia realized that she's a bit too big for the slide...

Tess tried to promote animal harmony by putting the wolf in the Owl Hutch.  Dinner is served!

And one cute pic from Sunday:

This darling beast cannot sit still at church to save her life.  Lucky for her, we are easily charmed by her abundant cuteness.  

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This morning, I went to Body Pump, and then did 15 minutes on the Stepmill.  I normally do 30 minutes, but I had to be home in time for Tyler to go to his first day of work at his new job.  I've had to fight a few demons ever since.  The demons that tell me that I need to work out again today, in order to make up for those "lost" 15 minutes.  That I'm a wimp.  But I already exercised for 75 minutes, and I know that I've done enough.  I'll keep talking back to my demons.  They hate that.  

About to begin 60 minutes of Body Pump.  My arms were shaking by the end!   

Onto the Stepmill, and looking a little doofy.  

The Stepmills at my gym are rather fancy.  Today, I watched country music videos while I exercised.  I'm especially grateful for the built-in fan.  

Tyler is at his new job right now.  I hope he's having a good day!  I miss having him home all the time, but I guess a steady paycheck is more important.  I sent him off to work with two plates of homemade chocolate marshmallow cookies.  Tyler planned on passing them out with the message: "There'll be plenty more where these came from...if you keep paying me."  :) 

Thanks for reading!

Native Language

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist (who will hereafter be referred to as Lillie, as that is her name) about what happens after you learn to speak a new "language".  Specifically, as I embrace being kind to myself, and speaking to myself in a completely different way.  She explained it with this metaphor:

Suppose you, an English speaker, moved to France and began to learn French.  With diligent hard work, eventually, you would become fluent in French.  Perhaps you'd even catch yourself dreaming and thinking in French.  But you'd find that when you were especially stressed, tired, or unhappy, you'd most likely revert back to English.  Your native language.  

So when I forget that being kind to myself doesn't mean looking for answers at the bottom of a pint of Haagen Dazs, it's not that I'm a failure.  It means that I reverted back to my native language: trying to comfort myself by eating too much.  It is the language that I have spoken for as long as I can remember.  

I think this is a beautiful way to re-frame what I would normally take to be proof that I will never be able to change.  Proof that I am a hopeless failure.  Proof that there is something inherently wrong with me.  

Lillie also said that generally, as you speak your new language, reverting back to your native one can happen less and less frequently.  Progress is always possible.  

On a side note, local friends, Lillie (McCatty is her last name) is amazing.  She is astoundingly gifted as a therapist.  She specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents, but I think she handles adults rather well, too.  Or else I'm simply as mature as a teenager.  Either way, she's helping me so much.  :)  

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  Yesterday, we went out to lunch with my parents to celebrate Tyler landing a new job.  We went to Mercato, across the street from the Olympia Farmer's Market.  It was so delicious!  Definitely one of my favorite Oly restaurants.  We sat outside in the glorious sun and enjoyed not worrying about financial security.  As Tyler said, "The world is so much more beautiful when you have a job."  :)

Darling Tess 

She's a hard drinker, this one...

I took Olly on a long walk yesterday with my good friend, Tina, too.  Her dog, Chevy, and Olly are best buds.  I forgot to snap a pic of them together, but I'll get one soon.  They love walking together, and playing together in our backyard.  A true doggy bromance. 

Olly and a bit of the gorgeous scenery in my neighborhood

Tyler and Tess were very productive yesterday.  They went and got a bunch of nourishing dirt for our front and back yards (our grass looks so thin and sad!), and then spread it out all over the lawn.  Tyler also bought a bunch of grass seed to add to the mix.  Tess was thrilled to help him spread the seeds:

  

She loves to be a "helper"!

Thanks for reading!  

8 miles

I did it!  Yesterday, I ran 8 miles on the treadmill, including some very difficult intervals.  I was dreading this workout, worried that it would be too hard for me, so I was seriously stoked to have nailed it.     

Post-workout celebratory selfie in my car!  

The workout (all intervals done at 8:00/mile pace):

2 mile warm-up

1 x 400 m 200 m easy recovery run

1 x 800 m with 400 m easy recovery run

1 x 1200 m with 400 easy recovery run

1 x 1 mile with 800 m easy recovery run

1 x 800 m with 400 m easy recovery run

1 x 400 with 200 m easy recovery run

Run relatively easy until I hit 8 miles total 

I was most dreading that mile interval!  I haven't run an entire mile at that pace in, well, years!  

But I was able to run all of the intervals, and it didn't feel nearly as hard as I thought it would.  It was tough, though, and true to form, I was a stinky, sweaty beast by the end.  

I did this workout as part of training plan that I am following to hopefully be able to break the 2 hour mark in the half-marathon.  My next half is on June 18th, the Seattle Rock 'n Roll Half-Marathon.  Fingers crossed that I'll be able to crush my goal!

When I got home, I decided that what my babies needed most was a big hug from their fragrant mommy.  This is what Maddie thought of that plan:

"Oh, Mommy...gross."  

Tess quickly decided that she needed my phone more than I did.  

Tyler and I took Tess to Fred Meyer yesterday, and I loved seeing her walk around, cookie in hand with her "camera" around her neck...

On the way home, she showed me what a sad face looks like:

This wee babe makes us laugh every day.  She has been a hilarious ray of sunshine during this dark period of unemployment.  But good news!!!  Tyler got a job yesterday!  He starts work on Monday, and we are SO grateful!  We are feeling supremely blessed and loved.  Yippee!!!

I also took my Maddie to Tae Kwon Do yesterday (she goes three days a week).  It was fun watching her talk with her friend, Kylie, and to see her hone her deadly ninja skills.  

Two blondies: Maddie & Kylie

Have a wonderful day!

Eureka

I think it has finally clicked.  

I think Heavenly Father answered my prayers and allowed me to, at last, GET IT.  

I'll explain...

For many, many years I have struggled with what my therapist calls "disordered thinking" concerning food.  I have classified foods as either "good" or "bad", and obsessed over the "right" way to eat since high school, if not earlier.  I have cultivated guilt and hated myself for not eating "perfectly", and my body for not being as lean and as trim as I thought it should be.  It has all gotten progressively worse over the years.  It recently turned into a miserable, dangerous cycle of deprivation and bingeing.  I have been feeling like my choices were either to white-knuckle my way through a life without sweets, treats, and desserts (in order to have the body I think I should want and have), or to just eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it and live with the resulting chubby figure.  I couldn't imagine being happy with being chubby, but I also couldn't see how I could be happy without indulging in all those "bad" foods.  And eating the way that I wanted to would make looking the way I wanted to impossible.  I sometimes felt like a toddler throwing a tantrum.  Why couldn't I have my cake, but not look like I ate it, too?  My therapist diagnosed me with an eating disorder (no surprise) last fall, and since then, I have wondered if I would ever be free of the tyranny of yet another mental illness. 

I know that happiness is not dependent on body size or shape, and I know that no food is either "good" or "bad".  I know better, and that has made the aforementioned struggle all the more bitter and frustrating.  But knowing isn't believing.  I have prayed, talked to my therapist, and read various articles and books in a quest to find peace with food.  To find peace with my body.  To be kind to myself.  And last week, as I thought about food for the thousandth time that day, it suddenly just...clicked.  Slid into place.  I knew that I wanted to be kind to myself.  To my body.  And I finally believed that being kind means giving my body what it needs to feel energized and healthy.  It doesn't equal deprivation or unbridled eating.  That is abuse.  It usually means passing on the sweets, treats, and desserts, because those foods almost always make me feel sick.  Even when I'm not bingeing on them.  But it also means that sometimes my body wants those foods, and when that is the case, it can have them.  Without judgment.  

I keep coming back to the word kindness.  I have been so mean, cruel and awful to myself for as long as I can remember.  I know that depression, anxiety, and the eating disorder provided most of the impetus for all this nastiness, but I can fight back.  I can be kind to myself.  And I think that what kindness means, for me, will probably vary.  It won't involve a rigid plan.  

I know this isn't some radical new idea.  My therapist has told me many times that sometimes you simply have to wait for lightning to strike: when the knowledge that you have becomes the belief that guides your actions.  

While running in the sun today, I was suddenly shot through with a surge of total happiness.  I almost started crying as I realized that I was HAPPY.  That emotion is so rare for me.  I feel like peace with food is now possible.  That I can see how that can be accomplished.  For me.  

If it can happen to me, it can happen to you.  God cares about what we care about.  Don't give up if the lightning hasn't struck for you yet!  It can, and it will.  Keep doing your best.  Keep looking for help and answers.  They'll come.  I am proof.  

As I ran today, I also experienced a feeling that I've had a few other times while exercising: that the way I feel when I am exercising (especially running) is who I am.  It's me when I am stripped of the insecurities, mental illnesses, and everyday fears and stressors.  I feel strong and capable and powerful and kind.  I feel like I'm worth something.  I really like that person.  And as I am kind to myself through my relationship with food, I think I'll be seeing a lot more of her.  

On a side note, I am really excited to see what I can accomplish as an athlete when I'm not abusing myself with food.  To that end, I began going to Body Pump again this week.  I need to strength train more if I want to get faster and stronger!  

Me 'n my Body Pump bar.

After 60 minutes of Body Pump, I jumped on the Step Mill for 30 minutes and tried to set a record for how much sweat a person can produce in that amount of time.  Ugh.  I am such a sweaty beast when I work out indoors.  I always feel a little self-conscious whenever anyone gets on the machine next to me: "Please, God, don't let them smell me!!!"  Thank goodness for deodorant!  :)

Look at those sexy drops of sweat on the step...awwww, yeah.  

And just because she's darling, here's a picture of Tess to enjoy:

Running errands with Mommy and Daddy today. 

Thanks for reading!

Chorus Run

On Thursday, I decided to do a "chorus run".  If I'm running solo, I always listen to music on my iPod.  So, for a chorus run, I pick up the pace whenever I'm listening to the chorus of a song.  I'm not sprinting, but I increase my speed by at least a minute per mile.  I ran an easy 2-mile warm-up, and then did a 2.5-mile chorus run.  I am not a big fan of speed work (it hurts!), so the unpredictable nature of this workout appeals to me.  I have no idea how many "reps" I have left to do, so I'm not constantly thinking about how much longer I have to suffer.  As much.  :)  I have learned, though, that the last part of a song is almost always all chorus.  Agh!  After the bridge, bam! 

I like thinking that this type of workout prepares me for surging past people in races.  And no matter how tired I am, when that chorus comes, I go for it.  It reminds me that I can still pick up the pace with tired legs.  

My knees started aching a tiny bit during this run, for the first time in months.  I realized then that I'd been neglecting the strength exercises that I think were instrumental in my finally returning to running last year.  As soon as I got home, the repentance process began, and I reminded my knees that I do indeed love them.  I thought I'd share two of these exercises with y'all, in case your knees are a bit sad.  

*Disclaimer: I am not a physical therapist, but these exercises were prescribed to me by one.  If you have further questions about how to do these exercises, you should probably not count on me, but consult a pro.  

The first exercise consists of the above and below pictures.  You bend the leg you're standing on until your knee is lined up over your first couple of toes (for me, this means that my knee follows a slightly diagonal path, slanting inwards).  As you straighten that leg, you squeeze your bum, both to strengthen it, and to remind it to fire and support your legs when you're running.  

Bonus: a cuter bum!  Ha.  :)  

I do 15 reps, slowly, followed by 15 faster ones, on each leg.  30 reps total.  

The next exercise targets your hips.  It's a tough one!  For me, anyway.  The exercise is simple, though.  See below:

You lay on one side with your back against the wall, and lift your top leg up until it's basically vertical and then lower it back down.  40 reps on each leg.  This sets my muscles on fire.  It's awesome.  And yes, I always look this happy when I work my hips.  

I try to do these exercises, along with planks, at least three days a week.  

New birthday outfit #2!  The tank top is from Old Navy, and the capris are from Athleta, and I LOVE the pants.  The tank, too, but oh, the pants!  They're so comfy and move with me perfectly when I run.  I wore them again today on a run with my new running buddies (a topic for another post).  They are seriously the coolest women, and I'm feeling very lucky that they're letting me crash their running party.  

About to get out of the car to run with my buds.  6:30 a.m.  Look at all that light!  Spring is coming!